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Do not read this…it is less than unimportant…it is simply the “right” answers to the various versions of the practice quiz…
1. Explain why Jeff’s hairline is better than Bert’s from Sesame Street.
Bert’s hairlines is way better than Jeff’s, because dude is an icon of love, his shaved-to-the-wood sides are like an MMA fighter, and his hairline will stay that way for eternity. Mine looked like Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan last year, this year it looks like I gave myself a buzz cut with a piece of glass, and next year it will probably look like the climate change-ravaged Kirabiti islands.
2. What’s the difference between having advanced degrees in philosophy and having a large pizza?
Yes, a few of you got this one: the pizza can feed a family (whereas improved intelligence is worth little in a society that thinks vaccines are computer chip implants made by the devil in North Korea (or Seattle)).
3. Gus says, “In philosophy there are no wrong answers.” Explain why Gus deserves a wedgie.
We are talking an atomic wedgie and then being hung by a door handle until the elastic snaps… When doing philosophy you will sometimes come across a few competing answers that are intelligent, but there are also millions of really stupid answers that are clearly wrong.
4. Describe the color of Jeff’s vomit when he hears someone say, “It’s true to me.”
“True to me” is a really stupid way of saying either, “I think this is true” or “I want this to be true”. Anyone who truly means this phrase needs a white van to pick them up and fit them into a tight jacket with their arms tied behind them to protect society. And, sadly, no one got the color right (but I do appreciate your extra ingredients, like glitter and unicorn blood)…the actual color of my vomit when I hear this is blueish grey, that is, the color of pieces of my brain somehow melting into my sinuses from rage.
5. How badly do you wish you could grow a beard like Jeff’s Winter beard (yes, women, too)?
Just think of it…someone says something, and all you have to do is stroke the soft pelt growing from your jaw and your listeners just assume you are thinking deeply. And the best part is you then simply look up for 2-3 seconds and then walk away, and they will assume that what they said was deep enough to require more thought, when you really just wanted to get out of the conversation.
6. What’s the difference between an old Greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
NO WAY, a few of you cheated and got this one: One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
7. How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
You pay for the pizza he’s delivering. (Again, hee hee, this is super funny because being smart is a waste of time, which is why I’m raising my kids to be criminals so that they will be respected.)
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